Politically Correct Love
OK, this probably isn't very funny, but I like it.
The Corner has spotted a complaint about a teddy bear in a straight jacket and a message: "I'm crazy about you." Naturally, this is or may be offensive to the mentally ill and their advocates. They have rung one change with a reader: what about "I'm a prisoner of your love," and inmates' rights? (See here and here).
Someone should go through all the stages of politically correct love.
"I spotted you across a crowded room. I knew you were the one. It was as if everyone else was in shadows. In fact, I don't remember anyone else being there, and I couldn't even describe any of them, or remember any conversation except the few words you and I spoke to each other."
But, er, I don't mean to disparage any of those other people. I don't want to imply in any way that they were dull, or that the recent details of kids' illnesses, problems with recipes, and their unique take on Reality TV shows was anything less than scintillating. In fact, I guess I have to insist that my preference for you has nothing to do with your beauty or carriage, seeing how people responded to you even before I had heard your voice, or what I heard when I asked someone about you. Picking you out was just some kind of random thing, like pulling your name from a hat. Chemisty. Anyone would have done, honestly.
"You drive me crazy." Already covered.
"I feel stupid and inarticulate in your presence." Repeat comments about the mentally ill for the mentally disabled, and people suffering from speech impediments (one of which may someday be called "Bush's disease."
"I felt faint and flushed; I couldn't speak; I could hardly breathe." Of course I'm not trying to encourage any kind of hypochondria, or even exaggeration of real but trivial symptoms. I certainly don't want to belittle, or spread confusion about, the serious symptoms of seriously ill people.
What used to be called heavy petting: Both parties bring an attorney. "My client wishes to touch your client--there." (indicating on a realistic graphic). Response: "My client is inclined to accept this offer. She has been touched there before, and has found it more pleasant than not--particularly as a promise of more to come. But she has a concern about what else your client has in mind? Is he likely to go...there... or there?"
And then: consummation. "Let's not forget a condom--and spermicide."
(Whispers: "God yes, you're so romantic." "Ah, I'm going to have you correct you on a couple of counts there...."
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